Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!

Everybody hates the buzzkills of the world. Especially at this time of fun and frolic. The year has changed; you are enjoying the winter holidays and feeling all good about the world. You even manage to enrich the lives of everyone who is friends with you on social media with your resolutions for the coming year. However, you would eventually come to realize that not only did you set yourself up for failure, you set yourself up for failure in public. That epiphany comes later though. Now’s the time to enjoy.

But along come the scum of the earth to ruin it for you. Things they say just break your heart. They have to be lonely and hateful to say those things. Yes, you come to the conclusion that they do this just because they can’t enjoy life the way you can. You mean, come on, you can’t possibly be in the right frame of mind if you think the hand of the Lord will not make all the world’s problems go away in the new year. That’s just outright dumb. What? Do we not expect to wake up tomorrow to find that Benjamin Netanyahu has accepted Islam and plans to donate all his money to the war against the pagans and the infidels?

But you’re above all this. You think they’re entitled to their opinions and move on.

In your festive mood, you stream the internet for all the biggest things that happened this past year. Oh, so “Humpty Sharma ki dulhania” came out in 2015. Brilliant.  Chelsea won the Premier League. Interesting, although you’d think that news piece was satire if you actually watch football. China’s stock market crashed. Looks important enough but being fancy as you are, you don’t care about it one bit. Other things come up but they don’t fit in with the spirit of the day. So you ignore them until it’s time that ranting and raving about them becomes fashion again. All the corruption, violence and Donald Trumps of the world are forgiven tonight. Death to America will be in vogue again, you’re sure. Tonight it’s party time.

And here you are, listening to American pop while preparing for the party. More struggling through the day in anticipation than preparing for anything, but you like to keep yourself optimistic. Since everything but your entire life will change (you realize this the next day when will have to scrape off bird’s droppings from your car’s windshield that you just washed), you have to do your homework and bring the proverbial “aik pau dahi” for your mom. Not so festive, but there’s a price to pay for everything.Fast forward a couple of hours and as “mein sharabi, mein sharabi…” rings out in your ears, you think about how to deal with this new situation developing everywhere.

Apparently pathetic people have found a way to look cool. On this, of all days. Absolutely unacceptable. They think posting “me (nerdy picture at home), while my friends (partying like no tomorrow)” memes can compete with cool people like you who actually party. Time to show who’s boss. It’s time for the ultimate weapon, the selfie. You put on your choicest clothes, your shiniest shoes and your badass sunglasses. Serves them right. But you have to be quick. You have to post your selfie before all the cool people (read: your people) head out and there’s no one left to appreciate your wit and craft. Done. However, when your artwork is ignored as much as those ridiculous memes, you’ll blame yourself for your timing. So, just to check, you will make it your DP the next day.

For now, though, your wit and craft has left you all dressed up and ready for a party that doesn’t start for the next two hours. So, being the pragmatist that you are, you decide to do your remaining homework. But since you’re already in your fun mood, Yo Yo Honey Singh stays on. This is when the earth-shaking dilemma arises. To do the homework, you’d have to take your sunglasses (the badass ones) off because you’re obviously not outdoors and it definitely isn’t bright inside your room. However, that would devastate the good vibes you’re feeling. There has to be a meaningful way to resolve the issue. Yes, you try to recall some normative principles from your philosophy class (that you’re failing only because the professor can’t come to grips with the fact that you will one day become a bigger dude than Descartes, Heidegger and the like).  This act of recalling soon turns into the challenge of finding something useful from the 300 pages of notes. Normally, for a person of your IQ, this would be a breeze but it’s more complicated than that because this is just the second time you’ve managed to get past page 3 (first was when you randomly opened them to flick a page to blow your nose into).

Just as your labor begins to bear fruit and you realize that utilitarianism would be perfect for this situation, two hours are up and you’re exactly where you started. But you’re all for the silver linings so you see that not only can your philosophy notes induce more sleep than the anti-allergic Rigix, but also that you no longer have to care about the dilemma that had seemingly put your entire life on hold.

The rest of the day becomes a blur in your memory and you can recall only bits and pieces of it. It’s not because you’re drunk or anything; in your thinking, they’re ungodly concoctions on earth only to sway the righteous and you hold this belief in no small part because you don’t have the wherewithal to obtain them, and you’re a firm believer in “you’re either with us or against us”. The blur is because you’d rather not recall the night. It was that uneventful.

What you can recall is the countdown to the New Year, and a strange question rise up inside you as it ended. What now? Officially into the New Year and things seemed to be exactly the same. The news channel’s logo was glowing in bright colors but the news playing at the bottom was still about the death toll from firing in the past hour. Maybe the forces of good are still enjoying the occasion like the rest of us and utopia will begin from tomorrow.

You can’t take any chances, though. You have only one allowed absence remaining in the class you have smack at 8 in the morning. So you call it a night and as you trundle away, you can’t help but think that if the world will indeed be a better place this year, could you finally get a girlfriend this time around?

About The Author

Schrodinger’s Cat: Wanted dead and Alive.” 

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